“If you have at least one bit of information another human being can benefit from, shame on you for not giving it to them,” says Robin Dreeke, former Head of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Program.

Robin spent years recruiting spies for the FBI and shares his lessons on how we can all improve our ability to build relationships.

When you think of this from a spy recruiting point of view, it feels obvious. You can’t convince a person to become a spy because YOU want them to become a spy. You need to inspire them to WANT to become a spy. What are their priorities? What are their choices? What are their strengths? Ultimately, if Robin can inspire the individual, he can recruit the person.

This methodology is applicable to our daily lives, either in the workplace or at home. If you focus more on others and less on yourself, without expecting reciprocity, relationships will become stronger and stronger.

We are all born hard-wired to talk about ourselves. Studies show that 40% of our day is spent sharing our own opinions. Why do we do that? Because our brain is releasing dopamine, expecting a reward from the person we are sharing our opinions with. Our brain does not release as much dopamine listening to other people share their ideas. We have to actively fight that chemical imbalance.

Robin shares four tactics to fight that urge, to suspend your ego, and to build trust:

Be curious about others - seek their opinions and ask what they think about it

Stop talking about what’s important to you, find out what’s important to them - talk in terms of their priorities

Validate others, don’t judge them - tell people why they are doing a great job and put it into their context

Give people choice - choice empowers people to make decisions

To build trust, we need to have a shared context. We all share similar experiences, no matter what our background, ethnicity, orientation, religious beliefs, etc. It’s important to remember that. Maybe it’s a shared interest in food? Or we are both parents? Robin’s favorite question to ask people is, “What is your favorite family tradition?” We all have traditions and we all love to talk about them. Sharing context with people improves trust and strengthens your relationships.

Every week, find one person and find out their top three priorities. Write them down. Your relationship with that person will start shifting for the better.

“If you have at least one bit of information another human being can benefit from, shame on you for not giving it to them,” says Robin Dreeke, former Head of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Program.

Robin spent years recruiting spies for the FBI and shares his lessons on how we can all improve our ability to build relationships.

Convincing vs. Inspiring

When you think of this from a spy recruiting point of view, it feels obvious. You can’t convince a person to become a spy because YOU want them to become a spy. You need to inspire them to WANT to become a spy. What are their priorities? What are their choices? What are their strengths? Ultimately, if Robin can inspire the individual, he can recruit the person.

This methodology is applicable to our daily lives, either in the workplace or at home. If you focus more on others and less on yourself, without expecting reciprocity, relationships will become stronger and stronger.

Research

We are all born hard-wired to talk about ourselves. Studies show that 40% of our day is spent sharing our own opinions. Why do we do that? Because our brain is releasing dopamine, expecting a reward from the person we are sharing our opinions with. Our brain does not release as much dopamine listening to other people share their ideas. We have to actively fight that chemical imbalance.
Robin shares four tactics to fight that urge, to suspend your ego, and to build trust:
Be curious about others - seek their opinions and ask what they think about it
Stop talking about what’s important to you, find out what’s important to them - talk in terms of their priorities
Validate others, don’t judge them - tell people why they are doing a great job and put it into their context
Give people choice - choice empowers people to make decisions
Shared Context

To build trust, we need to have a shared context. We all share similar experiences, no matter what our background, ethnicity, orientation, religious beliefs, etc. It’s important to remember that. Maybe it’s a shared interest in food? Or we are both parents? Robin’s favorite question to ask people is, “What is your favorite family tradition?” We all have traditions and we all love to talk about them. Sharing context with people improves trust and strengthens your relationships.

Closing Challenge

Every week, find one person and find out their top three priorities. Write them down. Your relationship with that person will start shifting for the better.

To be effective in building trust and strong relationships we have to actively fight the physiological stimulus to talk about ourselves and be curious about others, find out what’s important to them, suspend judgment and empower them.

Ego Suspension: Lessons from Recruiting Spies

Wed Nov 11 2020

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